My Hopes Are So High..

foolishx3games @ 2005-05-15T17:25:00

2005-05-15T21:25:57Z

jk bitches.. i'm still gonna use ElJay but i have a different name.. drugzandalcohol ..so yeahH!

foolishx3games @ 2005-05-10T20:27:00

2005-05-11T00:27:42Z

Yeah.. I'm not doing this journal shit anymore so.. yeah..!

without you all i'm gonna be is imcomplete

2005-05-01T03:38:31Z

If You Don't Want To Listen To Anyone Complain Then Just Stop Reading Now

I'm really fed up with always being upset, I can't take it anymore, I just want to be happy and I'd do anything to be happy! But I literally just can't be happy, I've tried everything, I'm really starting to think that somethings wrong with me. Everything can be like so perfect for me and yet I'll still be so fucking upset or pissed. It's really not fair.

I love all my friends to fucking death and I really do show it, but all my friends say they love me to death.. yet they don't show it. Not at all. I'll be hanging out with them and they just completely ignore me. I'll be talking to them about shit and then they interrupt me and just talk about themselves, constantly.. I can't get a word in! Hello! Sometimes I want someone to listen to me too! Like I love the fact they I'm the one they go to for help and I would never stop helping them, but sometimes I need help too.

What's with everyone going behind everyones back? We're not in fucking Middle School anymore you DON'T do that kinda shit. It really, really hurts to find out that your "so-called bffe'' was talking shit behind your back. If you have a problem with someone or whatever you face them and tell them in like a nice manner so shit can be fixed and you guys can carry on all happy n' shit.

I feel like I don't belong anymore, I feel like this isn't me. I've done so many things this past year that I would have never, ever done before. It's just not like me at all. Ugh, I feel so fake around everyone, like I'm just putting on a act so people will like me. I know I'm not, but it just feels like it. I feel so empty.

One minute everythings so perfect between you two and the next you can't even stand to look at eachother. When him and I are together, I swear, nothing in the world could make that moment better. Then we will go hang out with his friends and shit it still perfect, but then we go hang out with my friends and he has NOTHING to do with me. He makes it so that everything is my fault, everytime we get into a fight *MY FAULT*.. ughh it's so fucking gay! I love this kid with all my heart. I don't think anybody has a clue.

Latley I've been such a bitch to everybody. Like my dad will like tell me I can't go somewhere and I go completely crazy on him. I told him I hope he'd die and that if he did I'd throw a party. I serioulsy still can't believe myself for saying that. If my dad wasn't here I wouldn't be living. He is the best person ever, and yet latley I've been treating him like such shit. I wish I could tell him how much he means to me and how sorry I am.

I miss my brother Pat so, so much. I can't believe he moved to Vegas.. I didn't even get to see him before he left.. I miss my mom so much too, it's been 3-4 years since shes been gone. God, I'd fucking give anything to see her again.. even if just for like 5 minutes. I love her so fucking much.. why did she have to move all the way to Europe?!?! Why did she have to move at all?! I'll never be able to see her again, my dad won't let me visit and she's legally not aloud to come here. I still can't believe that my aunts dead. It just doesn't feel real at all. She really didn't deserve to die, she did everything for everyone and yet in the end she dies at such a young age? If there even is a God, then why the hell would he do such a thing?!

I'm so sick of people at Mott calling me a slut. Everyone just goes by what they hear and then they judge people. Find out the real story from the person then go ahead and feel free to judge them. Ughh.. I'm so fed up with this shit. I really wish I could just like move away or something.. I can't stand shit anymore.. I just want to be happy!!!!! I didn't think that being happy was a fucking crime!!!! God.. theres so much more I could type.. but theres no use..

concrete angel..

2005-04-30T19:52:23Z

Best Song Ever

She walks to school with a lunch she packed
Nobody knows what she's holding back;
Wearing the same dress she wore yesterday,
She hides the bruises with the linen and lace;

The teacher wonders but she doesn't ask,
It's hard to see the pain behind the mask;
Bearing the burdon of a secret storm,
Sometimes she wishes she was never born;

Through the wind and the rain,
She stands hard as a stone in a world that
She can't rise above; But her dreams give her
Wings and she flies to a place where she's loved.

Concrete Angel

Somebody cries in the middle of the night,
The neighbors hear but they turn out the lights;
A fragile soul caught in the hands of fate,
When morning comes it will be too late.

Through the wind and the rain,
She stands hard as a stone in a world that
She can't rise above; But her dreams give her
Wings and she flies to a place where she's loved.

Concrete Angel

A statue stands in a shaded place,
An angel girl with an upturned face;
Her name is written on a polished rock,
A broken heart that the world forgot.

Through the wind and the rain,
She stands hard as a stone in a world that
She can't rise above; But her dreams give her
Wings and she flies to a place where she's loved.

Concrete Angel

my heart is crushed by a former love..

2005-04-28T18:22:25Z

Alright.. well.. lets see, Jason likes some other girl!! He's so dumb, he can't like a girl for more than a month, I swear! Haha, and he fucking says I'm not committed! I have been committed, for the last six months, I've dealt with all his bullshit lies and yet I still chose to still love him (it's not really a choice though, I'm kinda stuck being in love with him, I could never get over him)! Ughh, and I'm sick of always apologizing to him when we get into fights! They're not my fault half the time but he fucking makes them my fault!

STOP LEADING ME ON! You either like me or you fucking don't! I'm so sick of these bullshit games he keeps playing! I guess I'm kinda to dumb to keep letting him play them games.. I just go a long with everything. I believe everything he says even when I know he's lying. Wow.. I really let him walk all over me. Whenever he asks me to do something, I do it. I hate it, I don't wanna be like that, but I feel like if I'm not like that then he's just gonna completely like "leave me".

Ughh.. whatever.. I can't take this anymore though.. I really don't know what to do. I'm so sick of everyone telling me to get over him, don't you think I would have already tried that!

cause we're better off seperated..

2005-04-20T00:49:44Z

Ugh, there's this thing called life and it like really sucks! Everythings falling apart again. I don't know who I can trust, my friends are being little bastards and like completely forgetting about me! HELLO!! I DIDN'T FUCKING DIE!! Guess none of them ever really gave a shit about me. I'm getting myself into shit that I can't handle and it's making me so fucking mad, like I don't want myself doing what I do.. but I just do it anyways.

I have no clue whats going on with guys anymore, yeah I'm like giving up on Jason.. but that shit just isn't working. Every night I fucking sit in my room and cry over him. I really shouldn't be.. I have no fucking reason to.. it's not like we ever had anything going on. I mean sometimes I just do shit with people and I totally don't like them.. NOT. I really have no clue how you could do that to a person. IF YOU DON'T LIKE SOMEBODY, DON'T FUCKING LEAD THEM ON! God!

I'm such a bitch to everyone.. including my dad. I hate it, I love him so fucking much and we used to get a long so well.. but all the sudden I just yell at him for everything, he doesn't even like do anything and I just like start yelling. My brother Pat moved away on Sunday.. he lives in fucking Las Vegas now, I'm so pissed at him, he's just like my mom.. he runs away from his problems. Hell.. I shouldn't be saying that though, I'll probably run away too.

I'm screwing up so badly right now, in school I'm like slacking and not doing shit. I really need to pull it together though.. I'm already on loss of credit cause of my absences. My brother Alex like fucking hates me now. Alex and I used to be so close and like he'd always help me out with Jason and shit, now he's just completely turned against me and like is making the whole Jason situation even worse.

I must really be a horrible person if shit like this keeps happening to me.. I need some time off to get myself back in line.. ughh.. this suck so fucking much..

yeahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!

2005-04-12T02:23:16Z

id dO aNytHingx3: hey
oXRockxRoyaltyXo: hey
id dO aNytHingx3: what up gangster
oXRockxRoyaltyXo: Hah, nothing, kinda tired. thinking about going to bed soon. howa bout you?
id dO aNytHingx3: ohh nothing just chilling my friend
id dO aNytHingx3: so hows everthing going?
oXRockxRoyaltyXo: Uh, things have been better.
oXRockxRoyaltyXo: How're things with you?
id dO aNytHingx3: alright. whats been going bad?
oXRockxRoyaltyXo: Just stupid drama crap.
oXRockxRoyaltyXo: I'm feeling better, though
id dO aNytHingx3: alright good we don't want anyone being upset now
oXRockxRoyaltyXo: haha, yeah
id dO aNytHingx3: dude i was reading your El Jay and i think shelby should suck a fat one
oXRockxRoyaltyXo: haha
oXRockxRoyaltyXo: yeah, me too
id dO aNytHingx3: ughh i gotta piss real bad
oXRockxRoyaltyXo: then goooo
oXRockxRoyaltyXo: before you pee your pants
id dO aNytHingx3: FINE you convinced me
oXRockxRoyaltyXo: yeaah
oXRockxRoyaltyXo: i'm good at that
oXRockxRoyaltyXo: i'm SO seductive.
id dO aNytHingx3: lmao
id dO aNytHingx3: ahh i feel 10 pounds lighter
id dO aNytHingx3: haha jk
oXRockxRoyaltyXo: haha
oXRockxRoyaltyXo: Jeez, does pee = poop in your mind?
oXRockxRoyaltyXo: Wait...that was quick.
oXRockxRoyaltyXo: Did you wash your hands?
oXRockxRoyaltyXo: EWWWWW
id dO aNytHingx3: lmao
id dO aNytHingx3: i still love to wash in your old bathwater love to think that you couldnt love another i cant help it your my kind of mann
oXRockxRoyaltyXo: I know.
oXRockxRoyaltyXo: I'm a sexy man.
oXRockxRoyaltyXo: And, i have a large penis.
id dO aNytHingx3: lmaoo
id dO aNytHingx3: why do the good girls always want the bad boys?!
id dO aNytHingx3: yeahh
oXRockxRoyaltyXo: I hate it when you're at school and you have to pee so you're forced to use the nasty bathrooms. Then, when you're done you go and wash your hands like any civilized person. While you're washing your hands another girls walks out from the stalk, checks herself in the mirror, then walks out. And, all i'm thinking is how much it sucks for the next person she touches. =
oXRockxRoyaltyXo: haha.
oXRockxRoyaltyXo: 'cause girls think they're h-core
oXRockxRoyaltyXo: when they like the bad boys
id dO aNytHingx3: lmao
id dO aNytHingx3: eww i hate pissing in school
oXRockxRoyaltyXo: I know
oXRockxRoyaltyXo: i only do it like once a year
oXRockxRoyaltyXo: public bathrooms are nasty
id dO aNytHingx3: well i do it when i'm on my period cause i mean you like have to but yeah thats it
oXRockxRoyaltyXo: Yeah, duh.
oXRockxRoyaltyXo: Unless you just pull down your pants and change your tampon in the middle of the hall.
oXRockxRoyaltyXo: That'd just be weird.
id dO aNytHingx3: lmao
oXRockxRoyaltyXo: To like, watch that, y'know?
id dO aNytHingx3: thatd be like kinda weird
oXRockxRoyaltyXo: Haha.
oXRockxRoyaltyXo: When i'm president
oXRockxRoyaltyXo: i'm going to force girls to change their tampons and pads in public view
oXRockxRoyaltyXo: Yes, that's right. I'm running for president.
id dO aNytHingx3: lmfaoo
id dO aNytHingx3: i told my dad i was running for president and he was like where are you running to
oXRockxRoyaltyXo: lmao
oXRockxRoyaltyXo: I'm going to start my campagne early.
oXRockxRoyaltyXo: Like, 20 years early.
oXRockxRoyaltyXo: then, i'll be recieving the right amount of publicity.
id dO aNytHingx3: lmaooo
id dO aNytHingx3: oh boy oh boy
id dO aNytHingx3: i wish i lived in the whole world war 2 like time..
id dO aNytHingx3: i'd kill hitler
id dO aNytHingx3: and all those bastards
oXRockxRoyaltyXo: No you wouldn't.
id dO aNytHingx3: then i'd take control
oXRockxRoyaltyXo: Are you crazy?
oXRockxRoyaltyXo: haha
id dO aNytHingx3: i'd kill ashlee simpson
oXRockxRoyaltyXo: But, Erickson isn't a very intimating name.
id dO aNytHingx3: i'll germanize my name
oXRockxRoyaltyXo: when you hear HILTLER people cry.
oXRockxRoyaltyXo: Haha, sounds good.
id dO aNytHingx3: it'd be ericksumtinkrumpen
oXRockxRoyaltyXo: And, yes, please do kill Ashlee Simpson.
oXRockxRoyaltyXo: LMFAO
id dO aNytHingx3: lmao
oXRockxRoyaltyXo: People won't be able to say it
oXRockxRoyaltyXo: and be SO confused.
oXRockxRoyaltyXo: it's BRILLIANT!
id dO aNytHingx3: dude i'm about to call you cause i wanna say it to you
id dO aNytHingx3: its just so perfect
oXRockxRoyaltyXo: haha.
oXRockxRoyaltyXo: don't
oXRockxRoyaltyXo: though
oXRockxRoyaltyXo: my mum will eat my face off
oXRockxRoyaltyXo: if she is woken up
id dO aNytHingx3: i wouldnt i dont feel like moving to get my phone
oXRockxRoyaltyXo: Haha.
oXRockxRoyaltyXo: Faaattttyyy
oXRockxRoyaltyXo: Everytime i hear Lil Jon i crack up.
id dO aNytHingx3: lmao
oXRockxRoyaltyXo: And, nowadays, he's in every song
oXRockxRoyaltyXo: just sayin' "Yeeaaaaaahhh!"
oXRockxRoyaltyXo: It's great!
id dO aNytHingx3: lmaoo
id dO aNytHingx3: thats all he does in his songs
id dO aNytHingx3: YEAHHHHH
oXRockxRoyaltyXo: I know. It's great.
oXRockxRoyaltyXo: He has no talent, yet he makes millions.
oXRockxRoyaltyXo: BRILLIANT!
oXRockxRoyaltyXo: If you just look at him.
oXRockxRoyaltyXo: You laugh.
oXRockxRoyaltyXo: Maybe he should be a comedian.
id dO aNytHingx3: lmao
oXRockxRoyaltyXo: I still have all that gangster shit
id dO aNytHingx3: i'm gonna just go around screaming ericksumtinkrumpen and maybe i'll be famous
oXRockxRoyaltyXo: you downloaded on my computer
oXRockxRoyaltyXo: LMFAO
oXRockxRoyaltyXo: YESS!
oXRockxRoyaltyXo: I'm going to walk around tomorrow screaming "HAIL ERICKSUMTINKRUMPEN!"
id dO aNytHingx3: i've got so much more gangster shit that you need to hear
id dO aNytHingx3: lmaoo
oXRockxRoyaltyXo: Then do the little hilter walk + the crip walk.
id dO aNytHingx3: get everyone to do it
oXRockxRoyaltyXo: I shall.
id dO aNytHingx3: i gave my friend a german last name
id dO aNytHingx3: ugh and now hes asking me why i broke up with him
oXRockxRoyaltyXo: wtf, that doesn't even relate.
oXRockxRoyaltyXo: And, i stole your font, bitch!
oXRockxRoyaltyXo: FUCK ASS DICK SUCKER SD;LKFJSDFKLJ
id dO aNytHingx3: ohmsdkl;ffjkl
oXRockxRoyaltyXo: Well, it's staying this way.
id dO aNytHingx3: suck on my large ericksumtinkrumpen dick
oXRockxRoyaltyXo: LMFAO
id dO aNytHingx3: lmaoo
id dO aNytHingx3: haha
id dO aNytHingx3: wow
oXRockxRoyaltyXo: We're so cool.
id dO aNytHingx3: totally
oXRockxRoyaltyXo: I believe i'm going to sleep. Good luck on your Ericksumtinkrumpen world domination.
oXRockxRoyaltyXo: Sweet dreams, lovely. =)

lmfao.. i love that bitch!

i wanna unbutton your pants just a lil bit..

2005-04-07T22:18:34Z

Alright.. well everythings been going pretty damn good finally, probably cause I'm threw with Jason. Yeah, I've decided to not be treated like shit anymore, I couldn't really take it, for six months my life was hell, thank god I realized that I deserve better. Like .... for instance, he's a good guy, a real good guy. =D

Ohhh, Stephaniie came over yesterday after school, it was a lot of fun. Haha.. we were fucking stuck at school until like 3:30, it was great. Then we got back to my house and went up to 7/11 for food. " First day that it's nice and you just have to have that ice cream! " Lmao.. had to of been there. Ahh.. good times, I really missed hanging out with her!

Got this from Ola.. who got it from Dana Rae!

1. I ______ Lauren.
2. Lauren is ______.
3. If I was alone w/ Lauren I would ______.
4. I think Lauren should _____.
5. Lauren needs _____.
6. I want to _____ Lauren.
7. Lauren is like ______.
8. Without Lauren I would _____.
9. Memories of Lauren are _____.
10. Lauren can be _____.
11. The best thing about Lauren is ______.
12. I am ______ with Lauren.
13. Lauren's best feature is _____.
14. If I was trapped in a room with Lauren I would ______.
15. If Lauren kissed me I would _____.

close up these eyes.. try not to cry..

2005-04-04T05:50:52Z

Alright well break was a lot of fun and I'm so fucking mad that it's over!! I can't stand school! Anyway.. we had two hotel partys.. both were a lot of fun. Well actually, the first one kinda sucked because Corinne and Jenn got way too drunk and were throwing up everywhere and yeah, they were some boy problems that night. Yeah and Jenn, Jaime, Corinne, and I started a new group --> The Fuckin New Group <-- cause we're sweet like that. I love them man!

Jason and I got into a really big fight, I found out things I wish I would've known.. and my brother isn't all he was cracked up to be. He told Jason to go out with me and just be a real big dick to me so I'd break up with him. So I guess when it all comes down to the end.. he'd choose Jason over me. I don't know what to do anymore, like I really want to get over him and find someone else, but it seems like theres nobody else out there.. and even when I think there is I find out I have like NO chance what-so-ever.

Ughh.. I don't know man.. I love the kid, but I can't keep waiting. I've already wasted like half a year on this kid and I just keep getting hurt. Whatever. I gotta go though, it's almost two in the morning and I have to get up in like 4 hours for school.

Broken this fragile thing now
And I can't, I can't pick up the pieces
And I've thrown my words all around
But I can't, I can't give you a reason

I feel so broken up (so broken up)
And I give up (I give up)
I just want to tell you so you know

Here I go, scream my lungs out and try get to you
You are my only one
I let go, there's just no one that gets me like you do
You are my only, my only one

Made my mistakes, let you down
And I can't, I can't hold on for too long
Ran my whole life in the ground
And I can't, I can't get up when you're gone

And something's breaking up (breaking up)
I feel like giving up (like giving up)
I won't walk out until you know

Here I go, scream my lungs out and try get to you
You are my only one
I let go, there's just no one that gets me like you do
You are my only my only one

Here I go...so dishonestly leave a note for you my only one
And I know...you can see right through me
So let me go...and you will find some one

i see your scars.. i know where they are..

2005-03-31T20:17:31Z

This week has been pretty fun so far.

Tuesday Jenn had a bunch of people over and what not it was fun, then Jason and Jim came.. ehh.. and yeah, they left like a half hour and when they got in the car they called me and asked me to go with them. I said okay.. even though everyone back at Jenn's kept telling me not to go and honestly I didn't want to go cause I knew I'd get hurt, again. So we go out and what not and yeah he was being a complete asshole to me. Like two hours later I go back to Jenn's and everyones still there, but they leave a half hour later. Jenn's mom comes home and freaks out at Jenn, it was so funny, she was yelling because dishes were in the sink. Yeah.. it was great.

Wednesday Jenn, Corinne, and I went to the Rec and met up some people. It was funny, Jenn mooned the people in the Cafe'. Then we went to the Butterfly so Steven, Brett, and Jon could play pool, it was gay, but we were only there for like 10 minutes. Uhmm.. oh yeah.. then all of us went to Jenn's and then Jaime and Chris came over too. Chris was beating the crap out of Jenn because while Jaime, Chris, and I went to 7/11 she smoked Chris's cigarettes.. or thats what he thought. It was getting late so we went to Corinne's house and chilled there for a bit.. and yeah, then I went home because I hadn't been home in like 1000000 years..

Girls are like apples on trees. The best ones are at the top of the tree. The boys don't want to reach for the good ones because they're afraid of falling & getting hurt. These apples, or girls are hard to get, almost impossible at times. Instead they just get rotten apples that are on the ground that aren't good, but easy.

</33>

Wait Till You See My.. =O

2005-03-29T21:32:06Z

Well yeah, last night Natalie, Brittiny, and I spent the night at Jenn's, it was so much fun. We snuck out at like 2 and went on our little egging spree, and yeahh.. just a lot of fun! Jason called me later on that night and yeah, he doesn't hate me, thank god. Yeah.. that really mad my night like 10 times better!

My Uncle and little cousin Brett are here from South Carolina for the week. They're so much fun, I'm really glad that they're here. But yeah, I'm gonna go find something to do because it's like realyyyyyyy fucking nice outside so I wanna go do something..

xx lauRen

i'll miss you forever.. i'll miss you always..

2005-03-26T21:37:40Z

New layout.. it's from The Notebook. I hope you guys like it.. actually I don't give a flying fuck if you like it or not, all that matters is if I like it. So yeahh..

Our Hotel Party was horrible, well I mean a lot of people showed up, and we got drunk. But of course then Jason had to show up and ruin everything.. actually I'm the one who ruined it, he just kinda helped. I don't really feel like explaining what happened cause it makes me upset, so yeah, I won't. Yeah, I have nothing else to say except that Brooke Ashley Verzura is my bestest friend in the whole wide f'ing world! I love you!

NICE GIRLS

This is my tribute to the nice girls. To the nice girls who are overlooked, who become friends and nothing more, who spend hours fixating upon their looks and their personalities and their actions because it must be they that are doing something wrong. This is for the girls who don't give it up on the first date, who don't want to play mind games, who provide a comforting hug and a supportive audience for a story they've heard a thousand times. This is for the girls who understand that they aren't perfect and that the guys they're interested in aren't either, for the girls who flirt and laugh and worry and obsess over the slightest glance, whisper, touch, because somehow they are able to keep alive that hope that maybe... maybe this time he'll have understood. This is an homage to the girls who laugh loud and often, who are comfortable in skirts and sweats and combat boots, who care more than they should for guys who don't deserve their attention. This is for those girls who have been in the trenches, who have watched other girls time and time again fake up and make up and fuck up the guys in their lives without saying a word. This is for the girls who have been there from the beginning and have heard the trite words of advice, from "there are plenty of fish in the sea," to "time heals all wounds." This is to honor those girls who know that guys are just as scared as they are, who know that they deserve better, who are seeking to find it.

This is for the girls who have never been in love, but know that it's an experience that they don't want to miss out on. For the girls who have sought a night with friends and been greeted by a night of catcalling, rude comments and explicit invitations that they'd rather not have experienced. This is for the girls who have spent their weekends sitting on the sidelines of a beer pong tournament or a case race, or playing Florence Nightingale for a vomiting guy friend or a comatose crush, who have received a drunk phone call just before dawn from someone who doesn't care enough to invite them over but is still willing to pass out in their bed. This is for the girls who have left sad song lyrics in their away messages, who have tried to make someone understand through a subliminally appealing profile, who have time and time again dropped their male friend hint after hint after hint only to watch him chase after the first blonde girl in a skirt. This is for the girls who have been told that they're too good or too smart or too pretty, who have been given compliments as a way of breaking off a relationship, who have ever been told they are only wanted as a friend.

This one's for the girls who you can take home to mom, but won't because it's easier to sleep with a whore than foster a relationship; this is for the girls who have been led on by words and kisses and touches, all of which were either only true for the moment, or never real to begin with. This is for the girls who have allowed a guy into their head and heart and bed, only to discover that he's just not ready, he's just not over her, he's just not looking to be tied down; this is for the girls who believe the excuses because it's easier to believe that it's not that they don't want you, it's that they don't want anyone. This is for the girls who have had their hearts broken and their hopes dashed by someone too cavalier to have cared in the first place; this is for the nights spent dissecting every word and syllable and inflection in his speech, for the nights when you've returned home alone, for the nights when you've seen from across the room him leaning a little too close, or standing a little too near, or talking a little too softly for the girl he's with to be a random hookup. This is for the girls who have endured party after party in his presence, finally having realized that it wasn't that he didn't want a relationship: it was that he didn't want you. I honor you for the night his dog died or his grandmother died or his little brother crashed his car and you held him, thinking that if you only comforted him just right, or said the right words, or rubbed his back in the right way then perhaps he'd realize what it was that he already had. This is for the night you realized that it would never happen, and the sunrise you saw the next morning after failing to sleep.

This is for the "I really like you, so let's still be friends" comment after you read more into a situation than he ever intended; this is for never realizing that when you choose friends, you seldom choose those which make you cry yourself to sleep. This is for the hugs you've received from your female friends, for the nights they've reassured you that you are beautiful and intelligent and amazing and loyal and truly worthy of a great guy; this is for the despair you all felt as you sat in the aftermath of your tears, knowing that that night the only companionship you'd have was with a pillow and your teddy bear. This is for the girls who have been used and abused, who have endured what he was giving because at least he was giving something; this is for the stupidity of the nights we've believed that something was better than nothing, though his something was nothing we'd have ever wanted. This is for the girls who have been satisified with too little and who have learned never to expect anything more: for the girls who don't think that they deserve more, because they've been conditioned for so long to accept the scraps thrown to them by guys.

This is what I don't understand. Men sit and question and whine that girls are only attracted to the mean guys, the guys who berate them and belittle them and don't appreciate them and don't want them; who use them for sex and think of little else than where their next conquest will be made. Men complain that they never meet nice girls, girls who are genuinely interested and compelling, who are intelligent and sweet and smart and beautiful; men despair that no good women want to share in their lives, that girls play mindgames, that girls love to keep them hanging. Yet, men, I ask you: were you to meet one of these genuinely interested, thrillingly compelling, interesting and intelligent and sweet and beautiful and smart girls, were you to give her your number and wait for her to call... and if you were to receive a call from her the next day and she, in her truthful, loyal, intelligent and straightforward nice girl fashion, were to tell you that she finds you intriguing and attractive and interesting and worth her time and perhaps material from which she could fashion a boyfriend, would you or would you not immediately call your friends to tell them of the "stalker chick" you'd met the night prior, who called you and wore her heart on her sleeve and told the truth? And would you, or would you not, refuse to make plans with her, speak with her, see her again, and once again return to the bar or club or party scene and search once more for this "nice girl" who you just cannot seem to find? Because therein lies the truth, guys: we nice girls are everywhere. But you're not looking for a nice girl. You're not looking for someone genuinely interested in your intermural basketball game, or your anatomy midterm grade, or that argument you keep having with your father; you're looking for a quick fix, a night when you can pretend to have a connection with another human being which is just as disposable as the condom you were using during it.

So don't say you're on the lookout for nice girls, guys, when you pass us up on every step you take. Sometimes we go undercover; sometimes we go in disguise: sometimes when that girl in the low cut shirt or the too tight miniskirt won't answer your catcalls, sometimes you're looking at a nice girl in whore's clothing - - we might say we like the attention, we might blush and giggle and turn back to our friends, but we're all thinking the same thing: "This isn't me. Tomorrow morning, I'll be wearing a teeshirt and flannel shorts, I'll have slept alone and I'll be making my hungover best friend breakfast. See through the disguise. See me." You never do. Why? Because you only see the exterior, you only see the slutty girl who welcomes those advances. You don't want the nice girl.. so don't say you're looking for a relationship: relationships take time and energy and intent, three things we're willing to extend - - but in return, we're looking for compassion and loyalty and trust, three things you never seem willing to express. Maybe nice guys finish last, but in the race they're running they're chasing after the whores and the sluts and the easy-targets... the nice girls are waiting at the finish line with water and towels and a congradulatory hug (and yes, if she's a nice girl and she likes you, the sweatiness probably won't matter), hoping against hope that maybe you'll realize that they're the ones that you want at the end of that silly race.

So maybe it won't last forever. Maybe some of those guys in that race will turn in their running shoes and make their way to the concession stand where we're waiting; however, until that happens, we still have each other, that silly race to watch, and all the chocolate we can eat (because what's a concession stand at a race without some chocolate?)

i'd give it all away just to have somewhere to go to..

2005-03-20T22:35:41Z

This weekend was horrible.. my life is fucking horrible.

Friday- Okay so, everythings cool, we take out Jenn's moms car and whatever then Jason and his friends wanna chill with us so we go back to Jenn's. Everythings fun and whatever and then I give Jason a back massage and my brother comes in and pulls me off of him. Then Jenn decides to give him a back massage and continues flirting with him. So I start crying and get really upset. Everyone tries to comfort me, but the only one that could have made me better was him. Whatever, I start talking with Jason - very bad conversation, wish he wouldn't have said anything. Then he goes and talks with Jenn.. That pissed me off so I walked outside and whatever and they tried to stop me and I did stop for a second because Jason had something to say to me - he said something really mean so I started like balling and then started to walk home and then yeah he chased after me.. and we talked and he made me better, but then he made me worse.. he gave me false hope. Then Corinne, Jenn, and I get wasted.. too bad we didn't get drunk enough.. I really wish I wouldn't have remembered that night.

Saturday- Corinne and I hung out with Denny for a bit then we went and go Jenn, Melissa, and Britt, and we went back to Corinnes house. We all chilled there for a bit. Then Chris and Jaime came over and we all went to party together. We smoked and what not.. I didn't do that much.. Then we called up Denny to see if he'd take us to this one Regina party. So we go there and whatever cause 1. Jason invited me and 2. Jason said he wouldn't leave me. We get there and Corinne, Melissa, and Jenn went back to Corinnes cause Jenn wasn't doing so good. So it was just Britt and I.. she was being so loud and whatever there.. and yeah, I felt like an idiot being around her. Then Jason came over and we were talking and what not.. then he like left me and decided to go with Katie.. that one girl he likes.. I didn't know she was there.. and after seeing her I understand why Jason would never like me. Yeah.. a lot of shit happened, but then we went back to Corinnes and whatever.. Britt and I got into a fight so Melissa left and Jenn and I went back to D.j's and slept there.

Today- ~~Brooke seems mad at me because I guess I'm not caring about her or something?~~ Brooke and I aren't friends anymore.. god this fucking sucks!!! The thing is though I really do care, but I can't help anyone right now.. I have no advice.. no nothing.. I'm so depressed right now I can't even think. I seriously need help.. I'm so sick of always being sad. Just for once I want to be happy. I'm sick of everyone telling me that everyone thing will be okay, everythings gonna be fine, just wait. I've been fucking waiting 14 years for things to get better. So if you wanna help, don't fucking tell me everythings going to be fine.. I don't want to hear anymore lies.

I'm a bad friend.. don't tell me any different because I know I am. I'm a fucking bad person.. don't tell me any different.. because I know I am.

you know you've got me twisted..

2005-03-16T03:09:42Z

Wow.. the banquet was a lot of fun, but now it's all hitting me -- that was our last time together as a team. We'll probably like never see Mary again, man, I'll miss her so fucking much! MaRiZzLe --> best coach <-- EVER!

why do i have this tourment..?

2005-03-13T03:53:01Z

:: 26 Things To Know About Me ::
1. I compare myself to dirt - walked over by everyone, not cared about, and alone.
2. Something is always bugging me.
3. I feel like I'm not myself anymore.
4. Ughh.. I'm always crying.. even over the stupidest things.
5. I always am worrying if people like me or not.
6. I can't stand to be alone.
7. I need to have boyfriend otherwise I feel like nobody cares about me.
8. Never do I tell people how I actually feel.
9. I barley go to school - I'm sick all the time *cough*cough*.
10. I love to be loved.
11. I'm very sensitive about things.
12. I miss my mom and my aunt, so much.
13. Guys love to take advantage of me or use me.
14. I love music - without it I'd die.
15. One day I'd love to be a choreographer.
16. My childhood was fucking horrible.
17. I have a good sense of humor.
18. I'm always the one trying helping people when I need the help.
19. Without my friends, I'd be nothing.
20. My biggest goal in life is to find someone who loves me.
21. I don't deal with stress very well - I need help.
22. Don't talk shit about me, I don't handle things in a nice manner.
23. I want to move back to Rochester.
24. If my dad died, I'd kill myself - we get along so well.
25. I just want to be happy.
26. Without Brooke Ashley Verzura I'd be rotting in a cemetary.

ilovehim..

you always do this to me.. you make me so happy just to make me so sad.. i hate this so much.. why do i still try for you.. i know we're never gonna happen.. what the fucks my problem.. i haven't cried this much and this hard since my mom left..

i tear my heart open just to feel..

2005-03-02T03:46:33Z

School was pretty good today.. except for 1st, 4th, and 5th hour. So I guess half of school was good, lol. 1st hour I had to work with some really nasty girl.. but I got over it. 2nd hour Mike C. and Mike P. kept making fun of Jenn cause they think she has a manly voice - it was funny, but really, really mean! 3rd hour Jenn, Cassandra and I had to preform our stupid skit thing! 4th and 5th hour.. well, I'm not gonna talk about those. 6th hour Ryan and I were pretty much killing each other, it was really funny.

Jason and I were supposed to hang out today, but that didn't happen.. oh well! He called me and he was like complaining about his car being broken or something and I was like I'll fix it for you seeing as I'm a mechanic.. Lmaoo.. it was funny alright! Alex talked to Jason and said that it was alright if he wanted to start something with me and what not! I was so happy when he told me because my brother would never do stuff like that for me! Boy, I'm really glad that my brother and I are close again.

Well I'm gonna go chill with Alex.. I'll write more another day.. peAce..

-- lauren

does it make you sad to find yourself alone..?

2005-02-28T06:05:19Z

Wow.. Jason called me at like 12.. I'm like in shock right now. We were talking about how things have been, why we haven't been talking, and a bunch of stuff.. and he said that if he's not working on Wednesday we can hang out and talk about stuff.. I'm like balling my eyes out right now.. I don't know what to think..

.. lauren?

it started out with a kiss, how did it end up like this?

2005-02-27T21:12:55Z

Snowcoming.. I don't know if it was good or bad. Kinda both, at points I had a lot of fun, but then all the sudden something bad had to happen. We all went to Kate's then went out to eat at Olive Garden. Ahh, Olive Garden was such a disaster. There were a few people in our group that were being so fucking loud it was getting so annoying. Good food though.. even though I hardly ate anything. I danced with Mike at the end cause he wanted to try and make me feel better, but I don't think that there was any possible way to make me better.

Steph V, Kate, Tiffany, Ali, and I went back to Bars house after. We were being so fucking retarded! Bars and I were acting like such retards and like hitting eachother and what not. Then Bars pushed Tiffany off the bed and Tiffany pushed Ali off the bed. Kate, Ali, and I wanted to sneak out, but we couldn't. Tim got so mad cause he drove to the wrong Stephanie's house and then we ended up not being able to get out and what not. It was a lot of fun, but yeah.. I don't know.. I really wanted to go to a party or something.

I just realized that trying to get over a person that you truly love, is impossible. I've been trying for three months, I tried everything that I could, but nothing seems to work. To tell you the truth, I don't want to get over him. I don't know why because if I continue liking him I just continue to get hurt, and he's got a girlfriend now though.. so my chances have gone from like 30% to a 3%. Hey, at least theres some hope, right? Like he said.. something will happen between us.. later..

-- lauren

ohh.. i love the sugarrr!! haha.. lol..

2005-02-26T01:02:45Z

Wow!! Today was so much fun, it was pep rally and yeah, the whole day we all just fucked around! Then people in sports and what not got out of 5th hour.. thank god cause I had a test in that class that I didn't study for. Well, we preformed really good at the thinger today. Yeah.. we were all really happy.

Our last basketball game was today, so no more cheerleading until tryouts. Ughh.. we didn't even get to say bye to Mary because she was sick! =\.. Oh well, we'll see her next year. The game was a lot of fun, we lost, but like the stunts went good and what not. Yeahh, well I'm gonna go take a shower and do my nails -- Snowcoming Tomorrow! peAce

-- lauren

Haha, I got a picture of Mr. Yasso!! Boy do I love him!!!!!!

i'll take you to the candy shop..

2005-02-21T00:03:08Z

meet me after dark again and i'll hold you..

2005-02-18T05:12:49Z

Today was another boring day.. got up late.. got dressed.. went out to eat with my dad.. went to the movie store.. came home.. watched The Notebook. Fuck man, The Notebook was the best movie ever.

xoxo lauren

i can't let you break me..

2005-02-16T04:27:15Z

Wow.. I just realized.. I have huge ass mood swings..

Other than that.. yesterday was pretty fun. I went to the mall with Tiff, I got a new purse! Finally.. ugh my other really wasn't working. Haha, the mall was great though! Tiffany and I were taking pictures with all these like model things, and we tried on the ugliest dresses ever and took pictures in them! Ahh and some random person was trying to cause chaos while we were in Hollister.. and well it just wasn't working, so we had to show them how it's done.

Ugh, I didn't get to spend the night somewhere.. so I HAVE to do something tonight, if I can. Cause yeah, I'm leaving for up north Thursday, I don't wanna go, but my dads making me! God, this sucks so fucking bad! Half my break is going to be wasted on something I don't want to do! Whatever.. I'll just keep bugging him and hopefully in the end he'll let me stay.. otherwise my father will have hell to pay.. lol.. just kidding.. I love my dad.. I'd never do anything like that to him.

Weird.. Brooke just made me join her "Ninja Pirate Vampire Jedi Cult".. and yeah I guess now I'm planing to take over Meijer. She's such a crack addict, but thats why I love her. Well, I'm gonna go try to go to sleep.. actually I'm not.. I just felt like saying that since I don't feel like typing anything else.. I'll probably update once more before I go up north. peAce..

xoxo lauren

your eyes leave me broken..

2005-02-15T05:15:21Z

Well yesterday was Valentines Day.. I didn't have a Valentine until out of no where Denny called me and yeah he asked me to be his Valentine. That was really nice of him. He's really cool. Anyway.. I did NOTHING yesterday.. omg I was so bored and I still am. I guess I'll just go to bed early so yeah..

Uhmm.. I have nothing else to write.. so I'm gonna go.. I'll probably have more to write tomorrow..

xoxo lauren

i'll be here.. i'll be waiting..

2005-02-13T22:48:16Z

Wow.. this weekend was so much fucking fun!! I went to Brooke's and Jessica's.. fun shit!! I went to Erin's party and there was a bunch of people there that I haven't seen since 6th grade!! It was great.. the party was a lot of fun. Then I wasn't aloud to spend the night at Brooke's, but I needed a place to stay. So I snuck in her window and slept in her closet. In the morning she called her dad and asked if I could come over and he said yeah, so I just came out of the closet! We made the gayest video ever.. it was so fucking funny!

Later on that day we went downtown and met up with Jessica and her friends, and then Ryan and some other guys came down there a little later too! It was so much fun! We got pulled over by a cop and shit.. we were jumping into the resturant windows.. ahh.. you had to of been there. Then we went back to Jessica's and spent the night there.. we snuck out at like 3:00 and went up to Walgreens and we met up with people. It was so scary cause her dad is like a beast. We jumped out her window (lmao jess/brooke).

Well Brooke might be coming over here tomorrow or I might be going back there.. so yeahh I'll definantly have more to write. I'm gonna go though..

xOoXo--> lauren

and at the end we'll all fall to pieces..

2005-02-11T17:27:28Z

Wow! People make me so mad! Yeahh okay, I have changed, big fucking deal!! I don't wanna hang out with you and your friends that much anymore.. just get over it! I'm just one person, you're not going to die! Doesn't really matter anyways, whenever I hung out with you guys all you did was talk shit. All you ever do is fucking talk shit! Arghhh!!!!!

Anyway.. yesterday I came home from school early because I didn't feel good, but of course I went to practice! So muchh funnn!!! The whole time I was working on my backhandspring/roundoff backhandspring.. it was great! I was doing so good! Mary said by next week I'll have it perfect by myself. Yeahh.. I still have someone spot me cause I get scared.

I didn't go to school today because my throats killing me.. that means I can't go to the game today.. YES!!!! Ahh well.. I need to find out what I'm doing over break. I have some things I need to do..

Find someone to replace Jason

Visit my bffe' Brooke

Kill some really gay people

So.. I can't think of anything else to write.. so sometime over break I'll update again..

xOoXo--> lauren